Monday, June 28, 2010

Releasing my Grip

It is a process -- this letting go. It is a pleasure -- this releasing to fly. It is a problem -- the amount to step away. It is profound -- this relationship with children.

June is almost over. It has required a bit more than I anticipated.

Both my children have captured my attention in a new way over this past month. How naive to have thought that my role in their lives would devolve into one that required of me less, and provided for more me. I find the redefining process quite a test: of my faith, of my reason, of my prayer life, of my emotions. For when either set of brown eyes engage mine -- with a whisp of need, of sadness, of disappointment, of questioning -- it rarely brings me to an easy place. It requires a mental glance into my of source book of experience, and then a surge of pragmatism as to whether to intercede or let the glancer dig deeper to provide their answer to their need. Truth be told, I am hoping there are more times that they get their own trowels out and begin their adventure, but some primal urge to provide for them is always close to the surface.

Our life circumstances have been filled with much ado about Tommy for over a year now. Now, inject the arm break and Laura's transportation issues, her first employment in an office setting, her friendships and transition to home life after 2 years, and with a flourish add the full time employment which is an ever changing canvas of demands, and you have a woman who has waves of anxiety -- because in reality she has taken her eyes off the Provider for spots of time, who calculates and devises paths of success for all she cares about, and spends little time reflecting on the Word, resting in her Lord, and quietly listening for His voice. Now if that is not a recipe for exhaustion, what is?

So, I am attempting to set up some boundaries. I am intentionally injecting the Word, and Prayer journaling, and attempting to engage in meaningful conversation with other pilgrims following Jesus the Nazarene. It will lighten my load. It will recharge my drained cells. It will provide the wisdom for the eye locked questions posed by my young adults.

I know what to do -- if you think of me, please pray that my intentions will become my reality. Indeed, I hope this for you as well, my friends.

So this emptying and refilling of my nest will be covered by His grace. The celebrations will be sweeter, the absences will reflect fonder, and the reunions will be more precious. I am keeping on. Keep on with me, won't you?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Grad Parties

The Southwest Christian High School grad open houses are in full swing.

Thankfully, my son's party is occurring on in but a few days. The entire event is hard on the family dynamic -- pitting me as She Wolf against each of them for not reading my mind, acting promptly on my requests, or seeing the immensity of the task before us. If I don't have an exploded head or have not eliminated the unproductive persons in the family -- it will be nothing short of a miracle.

Truth be told I am somewhat miserable at delegating. Either the person to whom the request is made is not immediately responsive, or my patience in communicating the details that are transforming themselves in my brain, going from fuzzy to crystalized --it always seems to be easier to do it myself than to explain what needs to be done.

So, I have been incrementally purchasing parts of the fare and decorations and planning for many weeks now. I am weary of the process. Why are the last few steps so laborious? What plagues my mind is the concept of the same people attending each others parties, serving similar foods and moving like Monty Python's illustrations. Can you picture the muttering mob moving around the SW suburbs?

I have a few days to finish the preparations... Laura and her classmates and some friends of mine are anticipating Monday's event. It will be a party. It will not stand up to those whose mothers have kept baby books, organized scrapbooks, or digitized all their photos. Drat my random brain. I can only trust that my love has surrounded my children better than my organization of their accomplishments and creation of mementos. Hopefully my being fully present in their lives will take center stage of their memories, and not my inabilities capture them entirely in photos and artistic finery.

Then I can begin a full out grieving of my emptying nest.